Gov. Rick Scott. Hi. Hello. How are you? We see that you've been busy
hosting a summit in Orlando of several potential GOP presidential candidates today. Neat!
This
summit includes some All-Stars in the world of being ridiculously shady
and dubious. Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Mike
Huckabee, Rick Perry. Woof! That's like an Algonquin Round Table of
dudes who hate the poor and and the gays. Nicely done.
But, come
on. We know that this summit was all about you. This was your time to
shine and show America that you're the actual GOP candidate they should
be focusing on. And while there have been rumors that you might run for
senate next year, we're here to tell you — may PLEAD with you — to
please consider running for the highest office in all the land instead.
Run for president, Rick. It's pretty awesome, we imagine.
Here are six reasons why you should definitely consider throwing your bald cap into the run for 2016:
6. You'll Get The Chance at Blowing Up Obamacare Once And For All, Maybe, Unless It'll Hurt Your Chances to Be Relected
You hate Obamacare, You hate it so much that you
made up some bad math to avoid expanding it.
You hate it so much, you sued the president over it. Although, let's
admit, you've been hot and cold for Obamacare throughout your time as
governor. In 2012, you said that expanding Medicare
wouldn’t be good for anyone in Florida. Them a year later,
you changed your mind,
saying: “I cannot, in good conscience, deny Floridians the needed
access to health care.” Then you got reelected and now, you want to get
rid of it again. This kind of yo-yoing for political points is exactly
what being president is all about!
5. You Can Expand That Voter Suppression
You love suppressing people's votes. You love it almost as much as you
hate Obamacare and poor people. More, even. Throughout your first term,
you took on a mostly arbitrary voter purge after state officials sent
local elections supervisors a list of 182,000 possible noncitizen
voters, which actually turned out to be just 198 possible noncitizen
voters. Meh 182
thousand - 192. Same diff, right? AND, of those
198, a whopping 38 of them had cast a vote illegally. THIS WAS AN
OUTRAGE. But you didn't stop there, voter purge crusader that you are.
In 2013, you had Secretary of State Ken Detzner
send a certified letter to anyone flagged as a potential noncitizen.
A flagged person would have to show proof of citizenship to remain on
the voting rolls through a "due-process system that includes letters and
legal notices," even though there had been minimal evidence of voter
fraud in the state. But what's evidence and truth? That's never stopped
you before! And, shit, ignoring evidence and truth is
what some two-term presidencies have been built on!
4. You Can SCREW THE POOR!
In 2012, the U.S. Labor Department investigated you after complaints
from unemployed Floridians who argued that your altruistic
labyrinthine-like gauntlet to receive unemployment compensation was
one giant pain in the ass.
Applicants complained that they had to fill out a 45-question "skills
review" and an online-only application, plus fill out forms through
snail mail and then wait on hold for hours and hours before hearing an
automated service that makes them press a bunch of buttons so it can
tell them to keep holding, all in order to receive aid. This ranked
Florida last in the U.S. at getting unemployed people the help they
need. In the end, only 16 percent of unemployed Floridians are getting
help via your application rules. Then there was the time you tried to
get
welfare recipients to undergo random drug tests
because, poor people do drugs, OBVZ. And, of course, there's the
Obamacare thing, which, once eliminated, will screw over a bunch of
people who couldn't otherwise afford health care. The possibilities are
ENDLESS.
3. You'll Have a Chance at Ruining the Environment on a NATIONAL Scale
You don't believe climate change is man-made, because
you're not a scientist so, pfft. And since this kind of thinking has led you to recklessly ruin Florida's environment, while
making friends with FPL, telling officials to
not use the term "climate change," and
pissing all over the Everglades,
you can do the same on a national scale. Think about it. As president,
you'll have the entire national parks service at your dispels. There's
Yellowstone and Yosemite. Oh my gawww so many parks and natural
resources
to completely take a wrecking ball to! IT'S LIKE A DREAM!
2. You Can Get Everyone Guns
Guns are awesome, right? And
no other governor has passed more gun-friendly laws than you. Guns at schools! Guns at grocery stores! Guns in movie theaters! Guns in pants! Guns across America!
1. It's Totally OK to Be a Shady No Good Liar
As president, you basically lie for a living. And totally get away with
it! That's so you. You, sire, are a master, legendary for invoking the
Fifth Amendment as if he were told you would be paid a million dollars
every time you did so. Your shady history with Medicare fraud and has
been a master class of eluding questions that might otherwise nail you.
Also, you've lied about your use of your government email for private
use and have never been known as a guy who is straightforward and
honest. This is the job for you!